Don’t Hurt Me Please

So i have to post anonymously because of what i do but i’d really like to post with my name. Just putting that right out there now. So many things that i cant say about my life that i really need to say. Recently on 2 occasions things were said to me that i really have needed to process. I know i need to process them because they are not at peace in my mind and are bothering me.

Since i don’t share my personal information nobody really knows much about my life, whether i am ill or well, physically or mentally. They don’t know my history, my traumas, current or historical. Frankly my experience is that most people don’t even ask or want to hear- they are involved with themselves. Neither do they know the things i see, hear or do.

One central theme that people have said to me is that it can be embarrassing to be with me, i see eyes rolling and the look. I am too loud, too confrontative, too heavy, i don’t take shit, i don’t let anyone near or with me take shit either.

The first thing that happened was that i posted something in a group to the tune of young mothers not being able to do extra before chagim. Someone felt insulted and got on a roll. She then posted on facebook a whole diatribe about me which was horrific and humiliating. And she sent me a private message with the actual words ” i wanted to hurt you.”

Never in my life have i intentionally wanted to hurt anyone, but she did. I was shocked.

The second incident was someone i invited for a chag meal and who asked me “who i have not had a confrontation with – at least i was not as bad as …….”.

Again coming from a guest, or even anyone that was pretty hurtful and not something i would ever say to anyone. Ever.

So i’m just going to say – that my life is not easy, the work i do is painful and difficult. I come from a very traumatic childhood, my life goal is to make a difference in peoples’ lives. It’s the only way i can make sense of being here.

Sometimes i miss the boat and trip up. But having felt all my life that i was not good enough and a mistake – i have never ever intentionally wanted to make anyone else feel the same.

So please- don’t judge me, be as kind to me as you are to others.

I am the underdogs’ champion. My place is right there with them and i will defend them to the end.
Let me be.

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