Devastation

I am a man.
I try my best to respect everyone.
I try so hard not to manipulate and seduce.
But apparently, I managed to do just that.

After multiple years of being with the same woman and saying no, she agreed to let me into her most sacred of places.
I thought that it was out of desire on her part. There was definitely consent.

I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. It’s come back to bite. I am now being blamed for manipulating.

I’m devastated.

I would never in my life do this if I didn’t know she truly wanted me to. Which is why I didn’t for two years of on and off dating and non-intercourse sex.

I’m devastated.

It hurts that I now know that I hurt her. It hurts that I know I can’t take it back. I loved her. Truly loved her.

We kept coming back to each other!

I don’t feel this is completely my responsibility as she is claiming it is. It’s a huge burden on me and my heart. I feel that it’s a joint responsibility.

What do you think, Neshamas community?

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2 Comments

  1. Uriel March 26, 2019 at 8:31 pm

    I think it will always be hard to say since there is only one side of the story here, and even if this woman were here, it would still be hard to say since it looks like a he said/she said scenario.
    I think it is devastating that what seems to be such a special memory for you is such a painful one for her.
    But I do wish communication, healing, and peace for both of you.

    Reply
  2. Rai Lev April 1, 2019 at 10:24 am

    Hey,

    I went through something similar.

    The first time my boyfriend and I had sex, I wanted it so badly, yet for “some reason”, during and after, my body gave me traumatic reactions. I learned later that having sex brings up all sorts of (unconsciously or consciously) buried memories. It took me years but a couple weeks ago, I finally told him how that experience tortures me. It was very confusing for him- he never meant to hurt me, but he did. It is something we had to work through together. And as silly as this sounds, we made a safe word.

    A good question for your girlfriend is, what did having sex bring up for her? Did she find herself more out of it than in it? If so, it makes sense that it was very difficult to communicate that to you during sex, which in turn makes sense why you felt she was ready and willing to keep going. Now though, it sounds like she needs to work through why she couldn’t communicate that to you. And that’s okay – sex is a very deep and sacred act, and since it is so deep and intimate, it brings up a lot for people.

    I don’t think this is your fault. Maybe you hurt her, but to me, as someone who had a lot of work to do, it sounds from what you’re saying that she does as well. It doesn’t have to be trauma or anything messy like that. However she would benefit from learning how to be okay with sharing her feelings.

    If she said yes but meant no, I don’t believe that is your fault. And this is coming from a victim of abuse.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Reply

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