Dear, Narcissist Mother

You held me in your womb for 9 months, a sustained place of hell and trauma. You wrapped the umbilical cord around my throat thinking i wouldn’t make it inside, trying to choke the the life and pure soul out of me. I came in this world awake and knowing that all i would ever be is pure and full of ancient wisdom. This threatened you greatly.

Black waters is where i come from, the darkest of seas, black dripping in mass bodies intertwining our consciousness. It took me lifetimes to find butterflies and the rays of rainbows that glimmer and shine knowing i had to awaken to something more than the dark place you birthed me from. My birth was an unholy thing, you see. The dark waters in the night still as can be facing right at me. The water reminds me there’s nowhere to hide, I’ve been liquidated by this dark mass and yet i can see the surface on which there is life and air to breathe. a miracle…

Who will save me now?

where were you so called mother when i was tortured by the night world? trapped inside my own mind that you projected onto me with all your energy? i waited for your imaginary loving hand to get me out but what a fool i was. Were you not meant to teach me to remain pure and to not be afraid? i waited impatiently for your face to reflect who i really am, but something higher told me i was not meant to be like you. you fed on my guilt and terror like a vampire in the shadows, i never truly knew where you were but felt your thirst for blood, my sweet, sweet blood. i always knew you were low on supply when your kindness was a mask for something darker than my wildest nightmare.

The guilt that tortured me everyday not knowing if you would ever appear real or if i was the one casting you out left me weak to the ground. All i wanted was your nurture and love and i kept praying, waiting. I saved myself in the corner of it all and never looked back. i cannot recall your face, your smell, your touch, your love, your presence. You have become a ghost, a dead sort of thing. My memories of you are filled with sadness and despair.

If love is what it takes to surrender to the spirit who has mothered me through this entirety, infinitely , unconditionally than so be it. i surrender to you goddess mother, the mother i always knew in my bleeding pained heart but you are dead to me, the mother who hosted my body and watched me rot and grow into this wild flower. you will never see my colors shine in the moonlight or watch me dancing in the sunlight of blissful dreams and clarity. i choose the night fall of your image over the widened skies of hope that you are something real. i look upon the shining stars and all the thoughts and memories of you fade into the great unknown .

If by a shooting star chance of reality we could have been something beautiful, full of wonder, pure and ever growing into something alive in the heart of flesh. wandering just wandering through these clouds and ever changing seasons. the forest shuts down and so do i…

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1 Comment

  1. Nadja Marks-Shafton October 8, 2019 at 1:56 pm

    This is an incredibly lucid accounting of growing up with a narcissistic mother. Bravo for braving the words to write it out.


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