Damaged Neshama

My neshama cries.
Every time I act out.
When I give in to my animal side.
Giving it dominance.
Letting it rule over me.
I want to stop.
And I do.
And then I don’t.
Over and over.
For too long.
Seeing things not meant to be seen.
It hurts.
It burns.
To whom do I confide.
Please.
I want to protect my neshama.
From the damage I am doing to it.
I want to try so hard.
But it is so hard.
To stop.
From damaging my neshama.

2 Comments

  1. Anonymous December 2, 2017 at 9:25 pm

    I relate to this. The fear over confiding secrets like this (vd’l), including the feelings of “damage” or being broken somehow (that’s how I thought of it) completely took me over.

    For what it’s worth, the moment I was finally able to open up even a tiny bit about it was like a wave washing over me – still alive, still moving, the sky hasn’t fallen. That was to a therapist, it took months of sessions for me to even bring it up, and it was only a beginning, but it’s also a world of difference. You start to feel less paralyzed. Finding someone who you can eventually trust and a place that feels safe really helps, at the very least with how you look at yourself in relation to “damaging” behaviours.

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  2. Anonymous December 3, 2017 at 3:26 pm

    Two years ago, this would be exactly the description to what I was feeling inside, with noone to share it with. It burned and ached inside of me, yet I didn’t share or speak up. Yet when I did, find that courage and strength to share and open up, eventually, altho very slowly, the feeling started to lessen as I got and still receiving the help I need to overcome, find truth, and move on. May Gd send the right people your way to help on your painful journey.

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