Cheated Out Of Pain

I feel cheated. I’m back at my obsession. Finding the darkest most twisted stories I can and finding myself in them. I don’t relate as I didn’t have that happen to me. But I know those same emotions because I have them. I just don’t really know why.

I never had an event. A trauma. The worst thing that’s happened was I got yelled at or spanked. Maybe. But that didn’t bug me. How could it hurt me now? Nothing happened that hasn’t happened to every single other person. Parents yell. That’s not a big deal. It never was a big deal. It’s just part of life.

Am I really that much more sensitive than every single other person on the planet? Am I really that broken? What could’ve possibly made me so weak? Maybe it’s what didn’t happen. Maybe you actually do need to feel love and stability or you break as much as me. Maybe I’m just jealous of the ten year old who was abused but had 9.5 happy years of her life and one event she can say changed everything. I know pain isn’t a competition but then why is mine not enough?

I have nothing to say. I haven’t had any such experiences. I never had my trust broken. Granted that’s probably because I never had any to break but so what? I’m not the only one with trust issues. I’m not the only one with “bad parents”. I’m not the only one who’s broken. But I am.

I’m locked in my mind running from demons that don’t exist. Looking for a story, somewhere in that big deep dark web of pain, where I will find myself. Where someone else has written my story. Because there’s not enough pain to capture audiences. There’s no plot. No bad guy. (unless you count me)

I’m jealous of other people’s pain?! What the fuck is wrong with me?! I wish I was really abused? Don’t I realize I don’t want more pain, I want less?! What kind of sick person is jealous of anorexic girls? Abused girls? But secretly I know why. They have proof. They have answers. They have a linear story with a plot and an antagonist and most importantly there’s a protagonist.

There’s a person, a real live human, who’s been wronged in one way or another. It’s not just a broken brain with circle thoughts that have no basis in reality. In history. But this really doesn’t make anything any better.

What kind of terrible person constantly looks for the darkest story? Leeches off real people’s real pain. Just because they don’t have words for their own. I know which type of person. Me. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m ruining your reality by stealing bits and pieces of it. You deserve more than that. I’m sorry.

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