An Inconsolable Mother

She was going to jump off the GWB but checked herself into a hospital, thank G. That was the bomb. Or so I thought. But then came the real atomic bomb. My two boys molested her when she was six. It went on for years. And this made her vulnerable to other incidents. When you sent her that text before Rosh Hashanah, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. What were you thinking?

I want to die but that is not my modus operandi. And anyway I don’t have a choice. I don’t have that luxury. I gave birth to these children and now I have to plow through this for everyone’s sake. Each day I create a road map of what to say, specific for each family member with the help of a therapist. With the exception of Shabbat, she is on call for me 15 hours a day.

I see you both and struggle to be civil to you. And though this is still new, and we are all raw, I tell you both that there is no blame and that I am not judge and jury. If I were, for what you did to her, I would vaporize you both. Knowing that The Almighty will take care of things one day is not much consolation for me, her mother. But that is all that emunah allows me.

When I see you all want to do is shake loose and scream “How could you? What the hell? Where was your humanity? How could you use her like that, like a rag doll?’ I can’t say any of that. I have to be the sane one. I have to hold the family together because, without my strength, we would fall apart. Actually we are on our way and doing a good job of it.

You both cut her out of your lives because she is so volatile. And, really, isn’t this the fault of you both? You don’t even realize that her behavior is a result of the damage you caused. I understand you are staying away to protect your families from her – but, really, shouldn’t they be protected from you? You don’t see this as punishing her – but it is. Daddy and I recognize this. You are hiding behind your guilt. We have your numbers.

Because of you she became this way. So we are trying to pick up our lives, trying to put the pieces back together. I welcome you and your families at my Shabbat table. I will carry your future sons in shul on the day of their briss’s.

Do you know that I can’t stomach the sight of the two of you? I want to yell and scream! I want to shake you like a rag doll, just like you did to her! But I don’t have that option. She isn’t here with us, so technically our family is not complete. You have smashed this family to smithereens and I am trying to create bridges. My prayers are actually a disguise, they are a pleading to Hashem to give me the strength to get though this.

And for her I must be normal. Her rock. A window to the future. I try to offer stability. I am whatever she needs me to be at the moment, and an understanding mother always. I need her to feel that her life is really worth getting out of bed for. I know that with therapy, the right tools, and most importantly, unconditional love, she has a good shot of putting this behind her.

Some days she tells me things. Little tidbits at a time. I try to recall the what, where, and when: sometimes I say ‘oh, now I understand’; always, I say ‘why didn’t I see this?’ And when she asks ‘do you believe me?’ my soul dies just a bit more each time. I can’t even imagine how dark her soul is. I try to bring some light into it.

So each day I scroll through affirmations on Google and find one that applies to her and send it via text. We keep on an ongoing one for this, so she can look through them when she needs to. When she wants to fall down. It’s a stand in for a pick me up.

For now and always, I am a mother of these three children. There isn’t a thing in this world that can change that. I will always be… An inconsolable mother

8 Comments

  1. Basha November 14, 2017 at 11:46 am

    Much strength to you along this process. Would that the world were more filled with honest people willing to grapple with issues like this.

    Reply
  2. Ilana November 14, 2017 at 12:03 pm

    This really broke me.
    We always speak of “the victim”, “the perpetrator”, “the innocent bystander”, “the enablers” without thinking that there are real people behind all of these, and a mother to each and every one.
    I’m so sorry for you.
    There is no tidy end, no resolution.
    I just want you to know that you’re heard.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous November 14, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    You are a strong woman. Your daughter needs you and she also need a heartfelt apology from her brothers. They need to take responsibility and not deny what they did to her. Best of luck in this long and arduous journey, you are doing the right thing.

    Reply
  4. Aviva Kaplan-wallach November 14, 2017 at 5:30 pm

    You are unbelievably strong I can’t stop crying reading this. Hsdhrm should help you all pull through this and may you be zoche to see the day of wslking yiur daughter down the aisle and seeing beautiful grandchildren and enjoying y our whole family what you and your husband deserve.

    Reply
  5. anonymous please.... November 15, 2017 at 1:02 am

    Thank you – thank you. Several years ago I found out that several of our children had been molested by one of our children. It was devastating – I still remember the hollow pit that developed in my gut as I wondered how I had failed to know, failed to protect them, of the pieces falling into place about the sensitivities and imbalances of the two who had been molested. And the doubt about whether others in the family had suffered as well. Oy, the doubt, and the wondering – what do I do now? Thank you for sharing and may you have strength despite the pain. May we all. If the site allows, I would be honored to have my email passed to you so we could be in contact, if that suits you. Thank you again. And thank you to Neshamas for letting these stories be told.

    Reply
  6. Shif November 15, 2017 at 5:02 am

    I really appreciate you standing by her side, believing her and giving her the strength!
    I went through something similar and my mom wasn’t alive when it finally came out. Good for her.
    I understand you need to help the boys’ families, who are innocent. But I don’t understand why you don’t report them to the police, however difficult it may be. You will be protecting other potential victims, maybe even their own kids! From the research I made before going to the police – those who abuse their sisters have no problem abusing their daughters just the same! There probably are things still happening and you cant see them. If you couldn’t see when it was at your house (not blaming at all! Just saying the fact) then in their homes its much harder to know…
    Of course tbey don’t want to come to your shabbat table, not to protect their families but because they cant look in your eyes. And they are afraid you might find out about things they do in their own homes and turn them in. Because this kind of cruelty doesnt just stop. It gets worse!!
    I wish you all the strength needed to do the right thing for everyone!
    P.s. if I can be of help, I allow JCW to give you my email address.

    Reply
  7. Jeanette Friedman November 15, 2017 at 11:30 am

    my heart breaks for you, your daughter and your husband. if only we could discover why, despite parents’ best efforts, some children become incorrigible, horrible people. You sent your boys to the best schools, you taught them Torah, you gave them love, and they took that love and trust and violated it, as well as destroying your daughter. Somewhere, I hope we can find the key to stopping this insanity and abuse of power that permeate all aspects of our lives, and that has gripped the world in ugliness since the beginning of time.

    Reply
  8. Orit November 15, 2017 at 11:45 pm

    You are a very strong woman. Gd bless you.
    You’re daughter is very lucky to have you as her mother and have your support.
    I wish I had an ounce of that support from my mother. But I have none. She chooses to defend my abusers instead.

    Reply

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