It pains me to say this, because these days it seems that everybody under the sun expects me to be the exact opposite, but for the preservation of my sanity and for the prevention of the opposite, I must say the following three thorny words: I am unwell.
A mental illness is essentially a twisted way of viewing the world. Most illnesses are bad habits that formed over many years of neglect and abuse. My life has been the perfect breeding ground for such pathologies, because my entire life has been a maelstrom of abuse after abuse.
My father abandoned me at a young age and my mother grew up with abusive parents, and so she was abusive to me. The fact that she remarried to an abusive and borderline violent man only made matters worse. I was molested by a family member of this step-father and I was shamed by both of my parents into keeping quiet about it.
I thought religion would help solve things, but it turns out that the same terrorist that has hijacked my mind has just as easily hijacked my religion. Everything I touched felt wrong. I never felt satisfaction from anything that I ever did as a religious person and the fact that I never got the support that I needed from my community only made things more difficult to me. I tried asking them to help me, but their answers were all the same: “a strong man doesn’t complain about his fate! a strong man pulls himself out of it!”
So what is my mental illness? I am a resentful, bitter and hostile person. I cannot make friends or keep a job under these conditions. I cannot get married knowing that there so much pain in my heart that I still haven’t discovered, let alone sorted through. I am easily angered and vulnerable to the slightest criticism. I don’t know any better and desperately want to. If anybody can read this and try to look out for people like me, it would make my life a little bit easier. Thanks.