3 AM Musings

It was always about you
You never thought
Never contemplated
How I’d be implicated
By your words
By your actions
Told me I was complicated
Because of my reactions
I cried when you said you lied
That you never loved me
Were barely even infatuated
After moments before
Asking me to be
Part of your world.
And as soon as I fell for you
Your personality unfurled
And I met the real you
But by that point
I was already subjugated
To the emotional roller coaster
Of our relationship
Felt obligated
To make us work, because
My body, once consecrated
Was now yours.
I quickly learned
How your self-view is inflated
You merely self-advocated;
You’re uneducated
Your clothing, outdated
(Which is ironic,
because you work in retail
I suppose that’s a minor detail
But I’m rambling, getting off trail – )
This was all calculated
Dates, flights, gifts, all compensated
So that I’d think I was falling for you.
Your approval, I awaited
But instead, you concentrated
On my flaws and shortcomings.
My reality was fabricated
I was told, I was sexually frustrated
That I always initiated
While you were always exonerated.
Post-facto, I was beyond nauseated
With the lies I’d told myself.
Yours, I’d accepted.
To escape the self you hated
You’d often get wasted
Yet I wasn’t granted that escape.
For me, there was no escape.
Insults were insinuated
Put downs, clearly stated
Inside I was humiliated
My love for you turned to hatred
And yet, still
I was beyond devastated
When our relationship was terminated.
When we split, I debated
Ending my life
It was for all of a hot second
A short lived thought
An ideation
Not for revenge or attention
Not because I couldn’t live without you
But because I couldn’t live with myself
I thought, if I didn’t end my own life
God would
You’d think my fear would have abated
That months later, I’d no longer be
So aggravated
It was so much more than complicated
It was confusing
It’s why I’m up at 3am musing
Thinking of the emotional abusing
The mistreatment I was excusing
And wondering, is this the life
I want to be choosing?
I could never read what you wanted
I was told how I flaunted
And seduced
And you conveniently deduced
That it was my fault.
Sleep is no longer an escape
My dreams have become haunted
With images of rats
And spiders
And creepy crawly things
And clothes coming off
That I can’t put back on
So I toss and turn
From dusk till dawn
Wishing I could just fall asleep.
The scars run deep
On my heart
As I lie awake
Counting the months
since we’ve been apart.
I’m reminded again
That this isn’t a conversation
Between us
This is my own battle
With boarders and boundaries;
It’s why I still ruminate
And continue to self-berate
Because I know
That this isn’t really about you.

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